What does it mean to be loved by God? How writing a forgiveness letter helped me feel God’s love
What does it mean to be loved by God? Denise Swatsenbarg felt God’s love as a child. She understood John 3:16 (NIV), “for God so loved the world,” and that God loved her, too. But Denise’s ability to sense God’s love faltered after she was abused. She struggled for years until, as an adult, she prayed the ”Our Father” and knew she needed to write a forgiveness letter.
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Denise Swatsenbarg sees God’s artistry in his natural creation and marveled at his love as a child.
By Denise Swatsenbarg
I was only 5 or 6 at the time I first experienced the depth of God’s love. I felt secure and loved by God and everyone around me.
Growing up in northern Iowa, I attended service every Sunday in a church built 50 years before I was born. We sat in the worn, wooden pews, admired the stained-glass windows on each side of the building, and listened to the preacher speak from a raised platform.
Before the church service, I joined the other children in Sunday School. We’d stampede down the wooden stairs and around the corner to our classrooms. It was a tight-knit bunch, with six or seven other students and me in my class. I loved when one of the teachers played the piano and we’d join in, our voices blending as we sang songs and hymns.
One song we sang every week was from the Bible verse “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,” from John 3:16 (NIV).
A smile covered my face as I loudly sang the song. It filled me with such joy that I swung my feet as I was still too small to touch the floor.
At night, alone in my bedroom before bed, I would look out the window and marvel at the stars. They were so far above and far away, yet I had learned in Sunday School that God made and named them all.
“God made the beautiful stars and knows their names,” I thought. “God made and knows me, too.”
It was incredible to think about! I slept securely knowing God watched over me.
Denise and her husband, Richard.
My childlike faith faltered and I doubted: Am I loved by God?
When I was 7 or 8 years old, my parents divorced and my world shattered. People entered my life that kept me off balance. Nothing I would do was good enough. The security I once felt in my home vanished.
I lived with my mom and only visited my dad twice a month. My mom took us to another church almost every week. I missed the support of my Sunday school friends and teachers, yet there was nothing I could do.
Later, we moved far away from everything familiar: from my dad, my friends, my church. I became fearful of doing something wrong and becoming the subject of wrath.
What does it mean to be loved by God? I started to doubt. I questioned what I learned as a child and wondered if God stopped loving me.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son.”
When I was in high school, I once became the target of a bully. Between classes just before the bell, one particular girl confronted me in the hallway. Everyone else had gone to class, but Michelle stepped in between me and the bully.
Michelle told the bully she would have to go through her before she could get to me. The bully left and never returned.
I couldn’t believe it. I asked Michelle why she did that.
“Jesus did that for me,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. “How could I do any less?”
We became fast friends.
Michelle invited me to church and my life began to change. I became familiar with God’s Word by attending their “Bible Drills.” All the youths were given a Bible passage, and we raced to be the first to find the verse.
I began to learn the importance of reading Scripture regularly. I started to see how God loved me even when it was hard to see through my circumstances.
I met my future husband, Richard, in high school and we began attending church together. I was still hurting and needed time to heal, but I was thankful we were growing and learning God's ways together.
Denise wrote her abuser a forgiveness letter after praying the “Our Father.” She realized she needed to let go of hate in order to experience God’s freedom.
Why I wrote a forgiveness letter
Richard and I married after he enlisted in the Marines and completed boot camp. Despite my husband’s kind and godly ways, and in spite of attending church and Bible studies, I still struggled under the weight of childhood abuse.
As a young child I felt so secure in God’s love, but now God’s presence and joy seemed to evade me much of the time and fear was always a present companion. What does it mean to be loved by God? I still struggled to understand.
I kept reading God’s Word, though, and I kept praying. My husband was sent overseas, so I lived with my dad while Richard was away. One night I was unable to sleep, so I began to pray.
I prayed the “Lord’s Prayer,” and when I got to the verse I had said so many times before — “forgive us our trespasses, just as we forgive those who trespass against us” — I knew what God wanted me to do.
“When I got to the verse I had said so many times before — ‘forgive us our trespasses, just as we forgive those who trespass against us; — I knew what God wanted me to do. ”
I had grown resentful toward the person who hurt me. I harbored hatred in my heart. Yet God wanted me to forgive him. God didn’t want me to forget or excuse what he did, but God wanted me to release the emotional burden I was carrying.
So I did what I never thought I’d be able to do. I forgave the man who hurt me. I made a decision right then, with God’s help, to forgive.
I then asked God what I should do next. I felt I should write a forgiveness letter to the abuser in my life telling him how God was working in my life. I explained that I had hated him and how wrong my hatred was even though the abuser did many things against God and me.
I also wrote that God loved him and wanted him to turn to God. I asked the abuser to forgive me for hating him, knowing I would never hear back from him.
I can’t speak for what anyone else should do in this situation, but as I prayed, God made it clear that I should put it in the mail. As I did, a burden lifted from off my shoulders.
I sent one more forgiveness letter. I asked the abuser to forgive me for the disrespectful ways I acted toward him. That was the hardest letter I wrote, but as soon as I dropped the letter into the mailbox, I felt joy and a sense of freedom I had not previously known.
Putting the envelope in the mail was the last contact I made with this man. My part was done. The rest was up to God.
Years later, when my abuser died, a person going through his personal effects found one of the forgiveness letters that I wrote. It was worn with use. The abuser had unfolded and folded it many times.
My hope is that he found peace with God before he died.
Denise saw a doe and fawn in a field while driving with her husband. Overwhelmed by the beauty of the deer, Denise began worshipping God — and God answered back, reminding Denise how of preciously he loved her.
What does it mean to be loved by God? Now I know the depth of the Father’s love
In our 30 years of marriage at that time, Richard and I traveled many times from our home in Virginia, where he worked as a contractor after his military service, to Iowa to see our family and friends.
One of my favorite parts was looking out the window at the scenery: The beauty of the Appalachian Mountains, and the expansive prairies and long-lasting sunsets as we drove west, filled me with wonder of our Creator.
During one of our drives back, we momentarily ran out of topics to discuss and a comfortable silence filled our car. My husband pointed out a doe and a fawn ahead.
The two deer were gracefully running across the road and into a field. It was a stunning sight: The spotted fawn stayed close to its mom and they seemed to move as one. The sun was setting, and the twilight hour amplified the pair’s earthy tones.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with God’s creation. I could feel a song well up inside me, a worship song based on Psalm 42:1 (NIV): “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.” I sang the melody and my husband harmonized.
“Did I pant after God?” I wondered as I sang.
I no longer nursed fears or wounds that prevented me from drawing near to God, but I still longed to experience his love like I did as a child. More than anything, I wanted to know and be known by the one who made the stars, the mountains, the sunsets, the deer, and me.
In the quiet, another song of worship began to form, one that reminded me that God is more precious than silver and gold.
As we sang, a realization crept in, tears began to stream down my cheeks, and I grew silent.
My husband looked at me, concerned. “Are you OK?” he asked.
I nodded but no words initially came.
“As we rounded a corner on the road, I finally embraced the depth of God’s love for me.”
“God was singing to me,” I finally said. “God said to me: ‘Child, you are more precious than silver, more costly than gold. Child, you are more beautiful than diamonds, and nothing I desire compares with you, my child.’”
God had turned my words of love and affection around, revealing how he truly saw me, singing his words over me as a father would his daughter.
I had struggled with doubt for so long, plagued by the question: What does it mean to be loved by God?
But in that moment, any lingering fear and shame I felt as a child or young adult melted away. As we rounded a corner on the road, I finally embraced the depth of God’s love for me.
Denise Swatsenbarg is an unpublished author who enjoys writing, photography, gardening and hanging out with family. She lives in Northern Iowa with her husband and loves having her family nearby.
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What does it mean to be loved by God? Denise Swatsenbarg felt God’s love as a child. She understood John 3:16 (NIV), “for God so loved the world,” and that God loved her, too. But Denise’s ability to sense God’s love faltered after she was abused. She struggled for years until, as an adult, she prayed the ”Our Father” and knew she needed to write a forgiveness letter.